Navigating Tough Conversations with DEARMAN Communication: Tools for Strengthening Connection in Romantic Relationships

Tough conversations are part of any relationship—whether you're navigating misunderstandings, unmet needs, or moments where the vibe just feels off. Knowing how to bring up a sensitive topic with your partner can make all the difference in whether the conversation brings you closer or drives a wedge.

That’s where DEARMAN comes in. This tool from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is designed to help you communicate your needs effectively, respectfully, and with clarity—especially when emotions are high or the stakes feel personal.

Let’s walk through how you can use DEARMAN in your relationship, step by step.

D – Describe the Situation

Start by clearly and calmly describing what’s going on. Think of this as setting the scene without judgment or assumption. Be objective. This is not the time to add labels or intentions—just share what you’ve observed.

Example: “When you cancel our plans last-minute, I notice I start feeling disappointed and unsure about where I stand with you.”

It’s important to remember: we all view the world through our own lens. That lens is shaped by our beliefs, past experiences, and the meaning we attach to situations. Naming that you're sharing your perspective—not the “one truth”—builds emotional safety and shows self-awareness.

E – Express Your Feelings

Next, name your emotional experience. Use “I” statements to stay grounded in your perspective and avoid sounding accusatory.

Example: “I feel disconnected and confused when this happens, and it leaves me questioning our priorities.”

This is a moment of vulnerability. You're letting your partner in, which takes courage and self-trust. Emotions are data—sharing them helps your partner understand the impact of their actions, not just the action itself.

Sometimes, this is where conversations get stuck. A partner may respond with, “But that’s not what I meant,” or “That wasn’t my intention.” While that may be true, it doesn’t erase the impact. One way to reduce defensiveness is to make room for both:

“I don’t think you were trying to hurt me. But this is how it landed with me.”

This is a powerful way to stay in connection. It communicates that you’re not making assumptions about their intent while also honoring your own emotional response.

Understanding Intent vs. Impact

Intent vs. impact is a concept that can shift the entire tone of a conversation—especially if your partner tends to get defensive or shuts down when being confronted.

Intent is what a person meant to do.

Impact is how it actually landed on the other person.

Here’s the thing: your partner may not have intended to dismiss, ignore, or hurt you—but that doesn’t mean it didn’t have an impact. And both pieces can exist at the same time.

“I hear that your intention was to stay focused at work today—but when I didn’t hear from you at all, I felt forgotten.”

This distinction helps soften the ego's natural defenses. It removes the need for either person to be “right” or “wrong” and makes space for both people’s experiences to be seen.

You might even preface the conversation like this:

“I know you probably didn’t mean for this to come across the way it did, and I’m not blaming you. I just want to share the way I experienced it so we can work through it together.”

This small shift in language goes a long way in helping your partner stay open rather than feeling accused. It signals emotional maturity, empathy, and a true desire to connect.

“This is a moment of vulnerability. You're letting your partner in, which takes courage and self-trust. “

A – Assert Your Needs

Now comes the part where you ask for what you need. This doesn’t mean demanding or controlling—it means being honest with yourself and your partner about what would help you feel more secure, connected, or understood.

Example: “Instead of last-minute cancellations, I’d really appreciate if you could give me a heads-up earlier in the day—or let’s talk about a backup plan we can agree on together.”

You might not always have the “perfect” solution in mind, and that’s okay. Even saying, “I’m not totally sure what would fix this, but I know something needs to shift,” is a strong and honest place to start. The key is to come from a place of collaboration—not criticism.

R – Reinforce the Connection

Reinforcement is about highlighting the benefits of making a change—not just for you, but for the relationship as a whole. Let your partner know that their effort matters and is seen.

Example: “I really appreciated how you checked in last week when you knew your schedule was getting hectic. It made me feel like we were in sync.”

Reinforcing positive change fosters emotional safety and helps your partner feel valued, not micromanaged. A simple “thank you” goes a long way. When your partner knows their effort is noticed, it increases the likelihood of consistency—and keeps you both motivated to grow together.

M – Be Mindful

Mindfulness helps you stay present, focused, and grounded. This means not letting the conversation spiral or turn into a snowball of past issues. When too many concerns pile on at once, it can feel overwhelming and lead to shutdowns or defensiveness.

Imagery I like to use: Imagine your topic of discussion as a small snowball that you and your partner are tossing back and forth with care. But if the snowball starts rolling down a hill, it can quickly gather weight, emotion, and past grievances—turning into an icy boulder that’s harder to handle.

If another concern pops up during your conversation, gently “bookmark” it:

“That’s something I want to talk about too. Can we come back to it after we finish this conversation?”

Mindfulness also means checking in with yourself. Notice if you’re starting to feel activated or defensive. Are you raising your voice? Is your tone aligned with your intentions? Re-centering in the moment can help you move the conversation forward with care.

A – Appear Confident

Confidence doesn’t mean being aggressive or dominating the conversation—it means being clear, steady, and committed to advocating for your needs while staying emotionally available.

Example: “This is hard for me to bring up, but it matters to me—and I care about us enough to work through it together.”

Confidence is also about tone, posture, and presence. Showing up with emotional steadiness signals to your partner that you’re not here to win an argument—you’re here to strengthen your connection.

N – Negotiate Together

Relationships are about teamwork. You may not always get exactly what you ask for—and neither will your partner—but open-hearted negotiation is where mutual understanding and creative solutions live.

Example: “If giving more notice is hard for you because of your work schedule, what’s something we can both agree on that would feel respectful and clear?”

When change is only made to appease the other person, it usually doesn’t last. But when you co-create a new approach that feels genuine for both of you, it’s more likely to stick. The goal here isn’t to “win” the conversation—it’s to grow a dynamic that feels safe, supportive, and sustainable for both of you.

Final Thoughts

Using DEARMAN takes practice, especially in moments of emotional vulnerability. But it’s a powerful tool for getting unstuck, repairing trust, and building deeper understanding. At its heart, this communication style is about honoring your feelings, being clear in your needs, and staying open to connection—even when the conversation is hard.

Relationships grow stronger not because we avoid tough conversations, but because we learn how to navigate them with care.

Note: DEARMAN is a communication skill originally developed within Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), created by Dr. Marsha Linehan.