“What Are You Really Looking For?”: Dating With Values in Mind
In today’s dating culture it’s easy to get swept up in the momentum of meeting others and going on dates without ever asking the foundational question: What am I really looking for?
Dating with intention doesn’t mean removing the fun or spontaneity—it means grounding your choices in what matters most to you. Understanding and honoring your core values can help guide more meaningful, aligned connections—and reduce the emotional confusion that can come from dating.
What Are “Core Values,” and Why Do They Matter in Dating?
Your core values are the internal compass points that help you make decisions, relate to others, and live a life that feels authentic and fulfilling. These might include things like honesty, creativity, family, independence, kindness, growth, or spirituality.
In dating, values become especially important. They can help you:
Clarify what you're truly seeking in a partner and relationship
Recognize when a connection feels aligned—or not
Communicate more clearly about your needs, goals, and boundaries
Make empowered decisions instead of emotionally reactive ones
How to Identify Your Values
When I work with clients, I often use tools like the Values Clarification worksheet from TherapistAid.com or Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead values list. I invite them to scan the list and narrow it down to just 3–4 core values that feel most essential.
From there, I ask:
How do these values show up in your day-to-day life?
How do these values influence your relationships or your approach to dating?
What happens when these values are challenged or missing in a relationship?
This reflection often leads to “aha” moments—especially when someone realizes that conflict or dissatisfaction in past relationships may have stemmed from mismatched values rather than personal failings.
“Values are the internal compass points that help you make decisions, relate to others, and live a life that feels authentic and fulfilling.”
Intentional Dating: What’s Your “Why”?
Another piece of values-based dating is clarifying your intention.
There are many reasons people date, including:
To meet new people and explore connections
To enjoy companionship or shared activities
For sexual exploration or casual intimacy
To build a committed, long-term relationship
To better understand themselves through interaction
None of these reasons are inherently right or wrong—but being honest with yourself (and others) about your reasons matters. When you know your why, it’s easier to spot who’s aligned and avoid getting stuck in uncomfortable situations leading to uncomfortable discussions.
Communicating Values and Intentions Early
It can feel intimidating to talk about your values or relationship goals with someone new—but doing so early on actually sets the tone for deeper, more authentic connections.
When is the “right” time to bring it up?
There’s no universal rule, but I recommend finding natural openings within the first few dates—especially if you’re looking for something long-term. You don’t need to present a detailed life plan, but you can share your values and goals in a way that’s open and conversational.
For example:
“Something I’ve learned is really important to me in dating is emotional honesty—how about you?”
“One of my big values is growth. I really appreciate relationships that challenge and support that.”
“I’m dating right now with the hope of building a long-term partnership. What about you?”
These small check-ins invite your date to reflect and share, too—and if their values or goals don’t align, it’s better to find out sooner rather than later.
Deal Breakers vs. Differences: Navigating Misalignment
No one’s values will match yours perfectly—and they don’t have to. Part of dating with values in mind is learning to recognize:
Which differences are workable or even complementary
Which differences feel like deal breakers
Ask yourself:
Are their actions consistently conflicting with what I value most?
Am I compromising too much of myself to maintain this connection?
Do I feel respected even when we’re different?
Sometimes, staying in alignment means walking away from a connection that feels “almost right”—and that’s okay. Being true to yourself is a form of relational self-care.
Final Thought
When you date with your values in mind, you build a foundation that supports both authenticity and emotional safety. You become clearer in your decisions, stronger in your boundaries, and more open to the kind of connection that genuinely fits your life.
So before you agree to another first date, pause and ask yourself:
What am I really looking for—and does this path honor who I am?
Ready to date with more clarity and confidence? Let’s explore your values and intentions together—learn more about my therapy services here.